DREAM THEATER'S NEW ALBUM GOES ENTIRELY
UNNOTICED BY TEENYBOPPERS

     You would think that kids today would be going apeshit over Dream Theater's
monumental work, Metropolis Pt. 2: Scenes from a Memory.  You would think wrong.
     "Who are they?" 16-year-old, very-pregant Best Buy clerk Angela Helms
commented on condition of anonimity to preserve her job.  "Progressi-what...
heavy metal?  Uh, we have Powerman 5000 over here..."

     "Yeah, our audience is definitely getting old."  Dream Theater bassist
John Myung told The Cut Out Bin.  "You said you're 24, T.J.?  Now that's
young as far as our fans go.  I never thought I'd hear myself say it,
but what is this crap kids are listening to today?" The phenomonal bassist
sadly shook his head.

Dream Theater (above), with ex-members Kevin Moore, Charlie Dominici, and current bassist
John Myung with way too much hairspray.

     "Yeah, it sucks all right," said new keyboardist Jordan Rudress,
promoted into the band from side project Liquid Tension Experiment.
"The cynical side of me says that that piece of shit Queensryche just
put out is going to outsell the hell out of our record.  Those guys sure
fizzled after Mindcrime."  He added completely off the record, to avoid
ill feelings betweens the two prog metal bands.
     Dream Theater are currently rehearsing SFAM live, which they will take
on the road on a tour of old folks' homes.  Call Tiger Beat and complain.

ACTUNG!: What you just read is BULLSHIT!!!  I made it up!  Muchas gracias, merci boku...