PARODY WEB ZINE EDITIOR CALLS FOR DEATH OF
INFERNAL COMBUSTION STAFF, JOINS 'SATANIC JIHAD''

(Written by J.T. Adobows)
     Plano, Illinois metal fan T.J. Swoboda has publically called for
the death of Keith Bergman and Mark Tinta, writers/editors of the
hillarious parody web-zine Infernal Combustion.
     "They have't fuckin' put out an issue since the end of October!"
Swoboda fumed.  "I need IC like a drug, and spoiled American brat
that I am, I'm _entitled_ to it, God damn it!"
     Swoboda has hooked up with Neil "Charvaroth" Langenderfer,
fanzine editor from Evanston, Illinois.  The two have declared war
against each others' enemies (Century Media/Infernal Combustion, see
most recent issue of our rival 'zine Infernal Combustion) in hopes
of achieving their murderous goals as quickly as possible.
     "T.J. works at [Illinois supermarket chain henceforth referred
to as "Gem"] and makes more money than I do at Burger King."
Langenderfer said.  "He's bankrolling most of the operation, and I'm 
the one who gets to splatter their brains on my face and go to the
lethal injection table for it.  Sound cool, or what?"

Damning evidence that T.J. Swoboda is a Slaughter fan.
Pictured here with the late, great Tim Kelly in June 1997.
[Editor's note: Hey, fuck you, I like Slaughter.]

     Both men are in their 20s, ungainfully employed and living with
their parents.  T.J. in particular is a real loser...
     How long has it been?  Ten hours?!  Fuck.  Did my other
personality write that?  God damn him... But I am pissed at IC.  Hey,
maybe I'll just start up my own parody...

ACTUNG!: What you just read is BULLSHIT!!! I made it up! Muchas gracias, merci boku...
Moreover, Keith Bergman and Mark Tinta have nothing to fear from me, no more than
Century Media's CEO should fear some loser from Evanston.  You guys made something
truly hilarious, and this is the best way I know to pay tribute.  Readers, if you haven't
been there yet, go read Infernal Combustion!!!  And The Onion!  Thanks for reading my crap!