The webzine your parents and all respectable journalists warned you about continues...
THE CUT OUT BIN Volume 1, Issue 2
The "Go Take a Flying Fuck" issue! (you'll see why...)
...Sorry knockoff of a sorry Onion
knockoff!!! Seriously, if you want
metal-related humor, go to Infernal
Combustion. They folded for a
couple months, and I did the first issue of this to cope with
withdrawl.
I'm doing another one just to annoy you. My goal is to be
slightly
amusing. If you wanted funny, you've come to the wrong place.
This webzine contains some bad fuckin'
language. If you don't like that shit, if you like to talk about
the need for small government
when what you really want is the thought police micromanaging
every aspect of your life, if you think Democracy was a lousy
idea and common people can't be trusted with their own affairs,
if you think words like fuck, coger, and tvoyu mat are, for some
asinine reason, worse than a word like copulate and you think
your children will be scarred for life if they read or hear them,
read no further.
Oh, and please note the disclaimer at the end of each article:
ACTUNG!: What you just
read is BULLSHIT!!! I made it up! Muchas gracias, merci boku,
yob tvoyu mat, kuti-kala wahhhalas...
Click here to
email the asshole responsible for this mess
In this issue:
Tony
Iommi backpedals some more
No
Bruce&Adrian songs on Maiden tour
Chris
Barns to sing intelligibly!
TOP STORY
NEW METALLICA DANCE/COUNTRY ALBUM IS
"PROGRESSION," SAY FANS
Metallica, set to release an album that sounds like, "A cross
between 'Nsync and Shania Twain," according to Lars Ulrich, are
being defended as usual by their legion of jock and fratboy fans.
"Metallica just changed man, that's all." Said Bart Moore,
quarterback for a Shaumburg, Illinois AAA high school football
team, holding his cheerleader girlfriend like last year's
trophy. "They progressed. Who needs long songs when you can
write more radio friendly, three-minute-and-change stuff?
That's progression. Lars lost a bass pedal, Kirk and James
just churn out bland whole notes, now THAT's progression,
dude.
"When Warrant and Trixter were all the rage, Metallica
started writing simpler songs to, like, stay with the trends.
Julie and I were listening to New Kids back then," he gives
her a possessive squeeze. "And that heavy metal shit they did
before the black album...ugh, it was too heavy for us then, and
still is today. Have Metallica progressed or what?"
When asked whether the name Metallica should be used for
a non-metal band, Bart looked confused. Julie looked like she
had an intelligent answer, but stayed docily silent to avoid
letting this writer know she was smarter than her boyfriend.
This would be pretty damn funny, if it weren't so fucking TRUE!
Southern Illinois University freshman and fraternity member
Alex Kirkwood said, "Their first album, the one with 'Enter
Sandman,' was too heavy and complex for me. Okay, I heard
they had albums before that that were REALLY heavy and complex,
but the thought sends a chill through me. They toned things
down, tried to sound like Alice in Chains after those guys
had sold out, tried to sound like Korn on Reload, now they're
really gonna take things to a new level with sappy R&B songs
and inbred pop-country tunes. They didn't sell out, they just
changed."
When this writer tried to do a follow up with Bart Moore,
he had been jailed for killing his girlfriend for supposedly
winking at me. All charges were dropped because of his fine
family.
ACTUNG!: What you just
read is BULLSHIT!!! I made it up! Muchas gracias, merci boku,
yob tvoyu mat, kuti-kala wahhhalas...
Moreover, Metallica are
not known to be releasing anything of
the sort, but I wouldn't put it past them. Those fucking
posers turned their back on what Judas Priest once termed
"The Faith," the heavy metal that Metallica embodied
15 years ago. If you like this crap, all the power to ya,
but those assholes can go take a flying fuck as far as I'm
concerned.
"Yaaadddeeeeyaaahhhahhhh..."--Marianne Faithful, 1997
(blech!)