CASSANDRA THE SECRETARY COMES BACK
AS UNDEAD LOVER FOR EDDIE!!!
Spurned by Charlotte, Eddie finally gets laid!
     After she was murdered by Alternica's minions last May, one
might wonder how Cassandra the Secretary has been killing time
in the afterlife lately.
     One need wonder no more.  Cassandra; former secretary
for Atlantic Records' galactically stupid Tony Scarpetti, as
well as for the recording studio where Korn recorded "I Dissapear"
for Alternica; has returned to our plane of existance to join
her soul mate, Iron Maiden's undead mascot Eddie.

Eddie on Viagra, getting excited!
 
     "I met him at that country mansion in England," Cassandra,
looking pretty hot if you ignored the maggots coming out of
her eye sockets, commented.  "We knew we could never be togther as
long as he was undead and I was still alive; I mean, there would
be slurs, social ostracization, a skinhead might murder me on the
street...  Of course that would have solved the whole problem
right there, but the thought didn't occur to me until after I'd
been wacked by Lars Ulrich's flunkie."
     With Iron Maiden having released three albums since Fear of
the Dark; where Charlotte was killed off in the song "From Here
to Eternity"; fans have eagerly awaited Charlotte's return as an
undead lover for Eddie.  Well okay, this fan has eagerly awaited
Charlotte's return...  But three albums and nine years later it
still hasn't happened, and one can only assume that Charlotte has
found sexual fulfilment in the afterlife, or maybe life as a
prostitute (a harlot even) has rendered her sick of carnal
recreation.
This isn't going anywhere, is it?  Well, remember my mission
statement: Mildly amusing, not necessarily funny.  And if I have
to put a disclaimer at the end of THIS article, I fucking give
up...