The webzine your parents and all respectable journalists warned you about continues...
THE CUT OUT BIN Volume 1, Issue 5
...Sorry knockoff of a sorry Onion
knockoff!!! Seriously, if you want
metal-related humor, go to Infernal
Combustion. They folded for a
couple months, and I did the first issue of this to cope with withdrawl.
I'm doing more just to annoy you. My goal is to be slightly
amusing. If you wanted funny, you've come to the wrong place.
This piece of shit is best viewed at 1152x864 screen resolution.
My eyes still work, if yours don’t fucking get glasses.
You will find words such as shit, fuck, cunt,
cocksucker, etc. in this webzine. If that's a problem, go to
thechampion.org and plot the end of
freedom
in America. (and find out what your town's teachers make, which is about all
their site is good for...)
Oh,
and please note the disclaimer at the end of each article:
ACTUNG!: What you just read is
BULLSHIT!!! I made it up! Muchas gracias, merci boku,
yob tvoyu mat, kuti-kala wahhhalas...
Click here to email the asshole
responsible for this mess
In
this issue:
Cassandra the Secretary comes back as undead lover for Iron Maiden's Eddie!
Nikki Six:
"Fuck everybody!"
The Forest of Fate
TOP STORY
AEROSMITH BACK ON DRUGS?Band record good song, loved ones fear the worstAfter a long hiatus from recording good music, coincidingwith their staying off herion, Aerosmith recently recordedthe song "Angel's Eyes" for the Charlie's Angels sound-track, and their family and close friends are afraid thatthe unthinkable has happened. "Daddy stayed off drugs for over ten years, the best yearsof my life," Liv Tyler sobbed on condition of anynomity."I'm afraid I'll end up using a crutch of my own now. Notdrugs or even alchohol but... If you weren't underage,T.J.... You're twenty-five? Oh God...." Liv threw herselfon this writer as she cried, and a ten hour night of torridlovemaking ensued. When reached for comment, Steven Tyler said, "T.J.Swoboda didn't get me off drugs, God got me off drugs.I mean really, who does he think he's fooling with thatsorry-assed Infernal Combustion rip off zine he writes...What?! He's saying we're back on drugs?! HE'S FUCKINGMY DAUGHTER!?!?!"
Aerosmith guitarist Joe Perry, back when they were good. When reminded of the original question, Steve said, "Ofcourse we're not back on drugs! Even we have to do agood song once in a while. We suck by our own freechoide, dammit." There you go! An addict is a liar!Denial is the first sign! Joe Perry commented, "There will never be a Joe PerryProject reunion, not until hell freezes over. I knowthe fans want it, the only thing those assholes in the bandand I agree on is that the fans rule, but not in thislifetime, sorry." The Joe Perry Project's album sold itsfifth copy this week. Brad Whitford said, "You fucked Liv?! You bastard! EvenNugent couldn't manage that! I've been trying to nail hersince she was fourteen! Oops, uh, don't print that, okay?" Desipte following up "Angel's Eyes" with the crappy, typical-of-modern-Aerosmith "Jaded," speculation continues that theonly logical explanation for the former song is the bandgoing in the direction of Robert Downey, Jr. The Cut OutBin will continue to keep you informed on this, with morereams of complete and utter bullshit, sometime in the nextone to twelve months.ACTUNG!: What you just read is BULLSHIT!!! I made it up! Muchas gracias, merci boku, yob tvoyu mat, kuti-kala wahhhalas...