THE CUT OUT BIN'S EXCLUSIVE
OSAMA BIN LADEN INTERVIEW!
The butcher who purports to be a Muslim tells all in our
first completely off topic article

---------
Osama bin Laden.  Besides being The Cut Out Bin's first
incomplete sentence, that name has resonated in many
Americans' heads since the attack on the USS Cole, and in
every American's head since Sep. 11, 2001.  A day after
the attack, representitives of Bin Laden contacted Cut
Out Bin Editor in Chief T.J. Swoboda, offering him the
terrorist mastermind's first interview in Western media
since the attacks in New York and Washington.  Despite
the obvious dangers, Swoboda packed his bags, told
Naperville, Illinois' yuppies to slice their own damn
lunchmeat and fry their own fucking chicken for the
next two weeks, and headed for Islamabad, Pakistan.

In a suburb of Islamabad T.J. mounted a horse and
followed his guides to the border and beyond, in a
five day journey during which he would consume C-rations
pilfered by North Koreans fifty years ago (blech), fuck
several herd animals (not as bad as you'd think), and
after donning a blindfold for the final two hours, come
face to face with Osama Bin Laden himself.

COB: First, thank you for granting this interview.  If
I may ask, why did you choose The Cut Out Bin to carry
your voice to the West?

BL: Praise be to Allah.  Thanks to cell phones and
gasoline powered generators, I do access the internet
here, and found your webzine quite amusing, if
incredibly inane and stupid.  I wanted to give an
interview to the Western media, but didn't want
certain things I say to be taken too seriously.  By
giving my interview to The Cut Out Bin, being taken
seriously is definitely not one of my fears.  Word
to your mutha.

COB: Word to your mutha...  Are you a Vanilla Ice fan,
Mr. Bin Laden?

BL: Praise be to Allah.  Yes, my lieutenants and I
have been enjoying his new album, To the Extreme.
Word to your mutha.

COB: Uh, that came out eleven years ago.

BL: Praise be to Allah.  Really?  Well, we're not
exactly on top of things in this encampment, as
you can see from our actions on September 11th.
Word to your mutha.

T.J. Swoboda with Tim Kelley or... I don't mean to speak ill of the dead, but
the resemblance is uncanny, isn't it?

COB: Agreed.  Did you actually expect that that kind
of butchery would further your greivances with America?

BL: Praise be to Allah.  At the time yes, which just
proves what a retard I am.  Since then the Taliban have
been encouraging me to actually read this damn thing
(holds up the Koran), and if you believe this tripe
what I did was wrong and I'm going to hell.  I still
call myself a Muslim, if only so I can keep hiding out
here.  Word to your mutha.

COB: Why did you accept aid from America, the Great
Satan, in expelling the Soviets from Afganistan?

BL: Praise be to Allah.  We needed the Stinger
shoulder-launched SAMs to deal with the HIND
choppers, so we made a deal with the devil.  Allah
foresaw it all anyway, right?  We just said fuckit...
Word to your mutha.

COB: ...And turned on America when it was over.

BL: Praise be to Allah.  Yep, bet you guys feel like
schmucks.  It must have looked like a sound policy
move at the time for your President Reagan, unlike
his support of wackos like Pinochet.  Hindsight's
20/20, we fucked ya, ha.  Word to your mutha.

Swoboda and Bin Laden wrapped up the interview, and
dined on some ham and lima beans in an unpalpatable
sauce, all squished together during the Truman
administration to be consumed in Fall 2001.  Bin
Laden bid the Cut Out Bin Editor in Chief farewell at
dusk, proceeding to escort him a few miles from the
encampment.

At this point what T.J. mistook for a small, tactical
nuclear weapon destroyed the camp, followed by the sound
of an F-117's engines.  Assured by Bin Laden that it was
a fuel-air explosive and that no one had been radiated,
Swoboda stood dumbounded as Osama Bin Laden laughed his
ass off.  The interview seemed like a good idea at the
time, but now we've still got this asshole around.  Fuck.

ACTUNG!: What you just read is BULLSHIT!!! I made it up! Muchas gracias, merci boku,
yob tvoyu mat, kuti-kala wahhhalas...