The webzine your parents and all respectable journalists warned you about continues...
THE CUT OUT BIN Volume 1, Issue 6
...Sorry knockoff of a sorry Onion
knockoff!!! Seriously, if you want
metal-related humor, go to Infernal
Combustion. They folded for a
couple months, and I did the first issue of this to cope with
withdrawl.
I'm doing another one just to annoy you. My goal is to be
slightly
amusing. If you wanted funny, you've come to the wrong place.
This piece of shit is best viewed at 1152x864 screen
resolution. My eyes still work, if yours don't fucking get
glasses,
and drive the goddamn speed limit! (five over would be nice!)
You will find words such as shit, fuck, cunt,
cocksucker, etc. in this webzine. If that's a problem, go to thechampion.org and plot the end of freedom
in America. (and find out what your town's teachers make, which
is about all their site is good for...)
Oh, and please note the disclaimer at the end of each article:
ACTUNG!: What you just
read is BULLSHIT!!! I made it up! Muchas gracias, merci boku,
yob tvoyu mat, kuti-kala wahhhalas...
Click here to
email the asshole responsible for this mess(updated 11-3-04)
Click here
to read previous issues! Of course they're just as stupid, stupid!
In this issue:
Jim Matheos Doesn't Like Song he Recorded 15 Minutes Ago
Judas
Priest Fans Offended by the Word "Fuck"
The
Cut Out Bin's first completely off-topic article:
Our EXCLUSIVE Osama Bin Laden Interview!
TOP STORY
VH1'S "WHERE ARE THEY NOW"-- WHERE ARE THEY NOW? Nostalgia show's producers have familes, hobbies --------- Remember VH1's classic show, "Where Are They Now?", from way back, like, when Clinton was President? It dissapeared from the face of the airways, leaving many to wonder, "Where are they now?"
Well, the truth is that they never gave it up, you just forgot about them and moved on to the next flavor of the week. "Where Are They Now" is still airing on public access cable across America and throughout the world, but wait, no, you don't want to watch that! Be a good little drone, watch what the mass media force feeds you, there, good drone.
Susan Wilson, producer of "Where Are They Now," has a husband, three kids, and recently restored a '71 BMW 2002. Yeah, she's busy, family and hobbies; well yeah, she never gave up the show, but you don't want to watch that, ooh, lookie here, Tiffany "Behind the Music!"
Lie down and eat the shit you're force fed. Good drone!
Jack Pfiefer, one of Wilson's assistant producers, finished in the money at a major poker tournament held at the Stardust in Vegas last month... Well yeah, he's still doing the show too, but NO, don't watch that, or the next thing you'll be doing is listening to Threshold and Fates Warning!!! Here, listen to some fray boy band's pussy- assed droning and watch "Complete and Utter Shit, Live from Times Square (Holy SHIT Does this Loft Cost a Fortune!)" on MTV instead!
Rest assured, the other makers of "Where Are They Now" have family, hobbies, political aspirations, and other diversions that you can pretend take up their lives now. Have they done what Slaughter did: Simply gone to a smaller label, making better music but have somehow been forgotten? Well yeah, but don't watch! Good drone.
ACTUNG!: What you just
read is BULLSHIT!!! I made it up! Muchas gracias, merci boku,
yob tvoyu mat, kuti-kala wahhhalas...
Correction: In the previous Cut Out Bin's cover story, we citied several sources (none of them reliable, some made up) claiming that Aerosmith are back on drugs. We were incorrect--There's no WAY in HELL they could be back on drugs and still release shit like Just Push Play. Ugh... (shudder)
